Currently Listening Other Voices, Other Rooms By Nanci Griffith Turn Around see related

Turn around and you're tiny, turn around and you're grown.

I have never wanted kids. ever. For a long time I really didn't know why because I love playing with kids and they seem to love me, but now working at camp I think I get it.  When I was a kid, I realized how freaking awesome it was, and I dreaded growing up. I hated people who tried to grow up too soon, I thought they were stupid.  I would cry when watching Mary Poppins or Peter Pan, because the mere thought of having to grow up was tragic. It snuck up on me. I still don't really like it all that much. I hate having to kick in to counselor mode and yell at kids for being kids, but I suppose I don't want them to get hurt even more than I don't want to yell at them.  My inner child and I are at odds. I decided that she is about four.  I don't get along with the older kids, they have already forgotten how to use their imaginations. I could never tell them the lemurs dance at night when we are gone, they would say I was silly, which is sad to me.  That is why I don't think I could ever have kids: I would get WAY to upset with them when they grew up. It would absolutely break my heart. I still can't really forgive myself for growing up, even though it is nothing anyone can help.  When did it happen?  How have I forgotten how to climb trees and spin in circles till I fall, or the simplicity of things. I used to laugh at practically nothing, and cry genuine tears for roadkill or When the dad dies in the Lion King....now it seems so much harder to do either. Why do I have to get drunk to laugh as hard as I did when I was telling a corny joke I learned from the Muppets? Is an apartment really worth trading a treehouse for? There is no choice in it. 

I have also found in working at camp, that I hang out with the kids that were like me and my friends when I was that age, and I find it hard to be nice to the kids who I know will end up like the kids who treated me horribly as kid. Don't worry, I'm nice to them....but there is always that cringe in my head when someone shows up in a "Future Cheerleader" t-shirt......

The following conversation took place when all of camp was running around playing together:  Joey, who is quiet, awkward, and four years old,  was sitting by himself playing with a tennis ball. I sat next to him and this is what transpired...

Hi Joey.

How did you remember my name? 

You and Christopher are the only ones with normal-people names.

(confused look)

You don't have names like Morgan, Griffin, Hunter, or Matilda. and I really like that.

Really? (huge smile).....I REALLY like your name too, Emily.

Thanks, Joey.

Emily?...............do you want to play catch with me?

I would love to.

Later on, when he was leaving, he gave me a BIG hug and said "Emily, you are my favorite Emily ever." So I said "Joey, you are my FAVORITE Joey ever."

And for every 15 horrible demons I have to deal with, one of those kids makes it all worth it.

Currently Reading American Gods: A Novel By Neil Gaiman see related

Ah. life.

Well. Here it is. Here I go. I would say that this is strictly to keep in touch with Christie and Nicky, but that is really kind of only half true. I miss having a place to write. I remember when I had one of these the last time, I'm pretty sure it was what kept me sane for awhile. Sometimes I would write about my day and then read what I wrote and realize how I actually felt about it. Like "wow, that was really shitty." or "I hope I have more days like this one."  What really made me do it was reading Germo's stuff. Germo, you are freaking brilliant, and I don't say it enough.  And hey, if Mr. Transcendentalist can sell out to the blog world, so can I damn you! STOP JUDGING ME!!!! tee hee.

Today at work, all eight of us were out in the deer park in the safari truck when we somehow ended up trapped on a covered bridge between the longhorn cattle and the buffalo. HILARIOUS. well, hilarious now, pretty scary then. Mike and I are trying to convince our boss to let us wear safari hats....I wanna be Indiana Jones! I think I may end up Eliza Thornberry, but hey, hats are cool!  I loooove the people I work with. Sometimes it can be like the real world:St. Louis, but in a less drama, more comedy sort of way.  I'm glad everyone came back from last year, it makes being stuck here soooo much more bearable. I suppose Ryan and Lela don't hurt either. : ) Tomorrow I go to the Muny to see what all that is about, and I am REALLY nervous. I feel like a very tiny minnow in the ocean.  I love painting more than most things, I'm just still not so sure how good I am at it, and I just don't want these huge Muny people to be like "GET THE FUCK OFF OUR  STAGE, YOU  SILLY GIRL!!" I suppose that is horribly irrational, but I'm jitterey, give me a break! 

Germo, in one of your entries you ask whether love wins or love loses. Here is what I have to say: 

You act like it is always one or the other, or an opinion that never changes. The opinion is not up to love itself, it is not left to the fates.  If there is one thing I've learned here of late, love is not some force that goes on its own. Love is up to you, and up to those around you. You can love someone and fuck it up, and still love wins, or you can do everything right and everything you can, love until the cows come home, and love loses. That is the horrible thing about it: You only have half the control. You are only one piece to a two piece puzzle.  Love only wins if both are willing to love without fear or judgement. Love has to have a place where it wants to stay, and you have to make it. Tom Robbins wrote a book about how to make love stay: Still Life With Woodpecker. I agree with what he says.  (you should read it, I'll let you borrow it)  "The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” or "When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”  "Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate.”
     You can't ever say you are going to love someone forever, because you just never know. Love could fly away at any time, that is what makes it so great when it DOES stay.  You have to try at it, and not be afraid. My question for YOU is: Is love worth it? I think that is what you were trying to say.  after all the hell you've been through, at the end of the day, do you still want it ? You tell me your thoughts, and maybe I'll tell you mine...

see you space cowboys..........